Get busy living, or get busy dying...

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption... soon I'll put on Hook. Both are two of my favorite movies. These facts, are irrelevant, and not related to anything I'll write in this entry. Just wanted to clarify that I do indeed, have normal emotions and reactions to the world. Despite my recent slide into the world of disconnect of emotions regarding myself and the opposite sex.

Maybe that's just it. It's a disconnect. A disconnect between the way I feel, and the way I ought to feel. Part of me enjoys this.... the games, the chase, and eventually, the pain. I think that makes me a sadist. Whatever. I'm not too worried about it. There are worse things I could be. I could be a murderer, a thief, a rapist, or a manipulative bitch. Or maybe it's bad enough that I have little no self confidence and need to constantly be reassured by the number of men I've been with in the immediate past. Who knows? And who can really say what is the worst thing someone could? Isn't life relative. Aren't we all free to make judgments, and rule ourselves on which things are most immoral, and which things are lesser offenses. There is no Golden Rule for such things. There probably is no true standard. Other than murder, in most cases.

So, I leave for California on Thursday, and sometimes when I think about it my heart races. I'm wondering whether it's because I'm worried that it won't be everything I'm thinking it will be, or if I'm worried that it will be precisely everything I'm thinking it will be. I did read the weather report for my trip (I do get all the news I need from the weather report) and I'm looking forward to temperatures that are a bit warmer!

I went to dinner with my roommate/ sister tonight and she definitely left my phone number on the receipt for the waiter. I hate that. It's so not my style. And why do people feed into my addiction to be wanted? Shouldn't people be telling me to avoid any and all contact with the opposite sex? I mean, is that what a real friend would do? If a friend of yours happened to be addicted to crack, you wouldn't let them know the best places to buy it, would you? Hmm.

Well, my brother leaves for Boston tomorrow, early in the morning. I'm going to get to bed so I can be up early to see him off!

Love,

Me