San Francisco and further reflection on further things.

Dear Elizabeth,

I feel like I can finally write about San Francisco. I feel like it has finally set in. What I did. What I felt. What I saw.... and then how I feel now. So here it goes, sorry it's so long over due.

When I first met him at the airport there were no instant sparks, tears, kisses, nothing... just an infinite hug. It was probably only half a minute, but it was forever to me. Primarily because I had been waiting for forever. The car ride was so like us. Arguing about how both of us listen to "the worse music ever." It was as if we had always done that... taken rides in the car and talked about music. The only difference was that I was completely taken aback by the sights of my new city.

Five minutes into my trip, I knew that I had found my place.

We spent the day with Jason. He kissed me when we got out of the car and into the hotel lobby. (This hotel was the weirdest place in the world. Seriously. I think we were the only people staying there who weren't strippers, hookers, or transgender. Not bad for getting high and stumbling in at random hours... read further for that.) Anyway. We were starving and decided to look for somewhere to eat. Somehow Jason's hand found mine and rarely left it that day. I seriously found no more pleasure in the entire universe than walking hand in hand with him around San Francisco. (He kept sneaking in kisses behind Devon's back... which made me melt.)

Somehow we ended up having lunch in California Pizza Kitchen, which I believe we have at home. But anyway.... Devon got up to use the ladies' room at some point. And I remember the scenario perfectly. Here it goes:

(Devon leaves the table)
Jason: I love the flower in your hair. It's perfect. Is this the outfit you've been playing to wear?
Me: (blushes, smiles) Yes, it is.
Jason: (smiles back) I love it.
Me: (smiles like for five minutes)
Jason: I want you to know that everyone is staring at us.
Me: I don't care.
Jason: I don't either. I just wanted you to know... and I'm glad there's no screen separating us. I love those big brown eyes, you're even prettier in person.
Me: (starts crying)
Jason: I knew that was going to happen.

Then Devon came back. It was really really cheesy, but I loved it. After lunch we walked about two miles to get to this pier. It was simple amazing. I love being by the water... and this place was so nice. Nicer than anything the East Coast could ever come up with. There was tons of flirting, loads of hand holding. I don't think I ever felt so beautiful in my entire life. There is no other emotion to describe it... just beautiful. Not happy... just complete. We just spent the whole fucking afternoon smiling at each other. Just looking at each other and smiling. I could not believe in that moment that I was me.... living my life... I could not fathom at that moment how beautifully life felt. I think I still sort of can't believe that it was real. Right now, in this moment... sitting in Center City Philadelphia I'm starting to become convinced that I was someone else. Living someone else's life. Kissing someone I hadn't known I was meant to kiss. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem fair. Fair, in the sense that not everyone will get to experience it. Why me? What did I do so right to be entitled to even one day of pure pleasure like that. Surely something wonderful. There's this pier that looks off into the water and where the sea lions sleep all day. We went there... and he really kissed me.

Hands behind my ears, and in my hair.
Eyes closed.
Passion.

I can die now. I will have lived a complete life if i die tonight.

We decided to take a cab back home because it was getting dark, and none of us were really interested in walking uphill for two miles. We all changed into comfy clothes, and I went into Jason's room to talk to him. We ended up snuggling, and kissing, and laughing with each other while cuddling like crazy. He just sat there holding me and we watched Cash Cab.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!! (I have class now!)

Love,


Me

Some day child.... things are gonna get easier.

Dear Elizabeth,

Heard this one on 98.1 on my drive home tonight. I was stoned. It was late. So inevitably I started sobbing like a small child on my ride home. Tonight was one of those nights... yeah. Definitely one of those nights.

Texted with the fuck buddy a bit, nothing came of it.... so I just made other plans. Hung out with my brother's friend Nick who is kind of somewhat of a person I do some things with. He says, "We're not fuck buddies... we're fucking friends... that just means we're friends, that fuck."

Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So yeah, after that went to go hang out with RFA. Got high. Ryan Shuler showed up and wanted to do acid. Brilliant. I drove home, stoned, once again.

We did have a tender moment. We were sitting in the car alone... and he took my hand for a moment. And of course... I instantly forgave all of the douche bag stuff that has been going on for a while now. I just know the person he can be and I keep thinking that this side of him is one day going to stick around. I think it's time to wake up. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck makes me like him so much.... There really is nothing special about him. Actually, there are very few, if any, completely redeeming qualities about him, in the slightest. Hmmm. I really need to sort out my priorities. When he's not near me I fucking hate him... but when it's just me and him... at any and all hours of the night... he is amazing to me. FUCK MY LIFE.

Well, you're home from Belgium! Yay! Hope you had a wonderful trip, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Although, it might have to happen when I'm home from California! I start school soon and I really really really can't wait! I'm actually looking forward to a new semester, maybe that's what I need right now... some new beginnings, and new fresh starts!

Love, Me

It's a still life watercolor....

Dear Elizabeth,

The emotions running through me right now are too disturbing to even post. It's times like this I wish they'd lock me away.

I'd give anything to just make the pain stop.
Hope you're enjoying your last days in Belgium!

Love,

Me

Get busy living, or get busy dying...

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption... soon I'll put on Hook. Both are two of my favorite movies. These facts, are irrelevant, and not related to anything I'll write in this entry. Just wanted to clarify that I do indeed, have normal emotions and reactions to the world. Despite my recent slide into the world of disconnect of emotions regarding myself and the opposite sex.

Maybe that's just it. It's a disconnect. A disconnect between the way I feel, and the way I ought to feel. Part of me enjoys this.... the games, the chase, and eventually, the pain. I think that makes me a sadist. Whatever. I'm not too worried about it. There are worse things I could be. I could be a murderer, a thief, a rapist, or a manipulative bitch. Or maybe it's bad enough that I have little no self confidence and need to constantly be reassured by the number of men I've been with in the immediate past. Who knows? And who can really say what is the worst thing someone could? Isn't life relative. Aren't we all free to make judgments, and rule ourselves on which things are most immoral, and which things are lesser offenses. There is no Golden Rule for such things. There probably is no true standard. Other than murder, in most cases.

So, I leave for California on Thursday, and sometimes when I think about it my heart races. I'm wondering whether it's because I'm worried that it won't be everything I'm thinking it will be, or if I'm worried that it will be precisely everything I'm thinking it will be. I did read the weather report for my trip (I do get all the news I need from the weather report) and I'm looking forward to temperatures that are a bit warmer!

I went to dinner with my roommate/ sister tonight and she definitely left my phone number on the receipt for the waiter. I hate that. It's so not my style. And why do people feed into my addiction to be wanted? Shouldn't people be telling me to avoid any and all contact with the opposite sex? I mean, is that what a real friend would do? If a friend of yours happened to be addicted to crack, you wouldn't let them know the best places to buy it, would you? Hmm.

Well, my brother leaves for Boston tomorrow, early in the morning. I'm going to get to bed so I can be up early to see him off!

Love,

Me

In the clearing stands a boxer...

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm so glad we got to talk earlier, and I am so thrilled you're enjoying your time in Europe, but I really can't wait to see you!

Anyway. He didn't call. He said he would, I'm getting used to this type of thing. He was so nice... and here's the part of the story where I regret nearly everything I said/ did last night... and then if he calls later I'll be all about him again.

Right. I'm excited for California though. I'm in the middle of Skyping with Jason. He's nice. I like that he's far away. He can't hurt me from all the way out there.

I think I'm done with Craig's List. Like done with meeting people on it. Nothing good could ever possibly come of it. It's totally and completely impossible.

I'm also done with RFA, I said that in my last entry, but I had to say it again... so that I remember. Nick is coming home soon, and I really haven't been happier about seeing anyone in a long long time! I mean other than the soon approaching trip to the Bay. =]

I think you're right about our instinct to desire companionship. I think that's totally plausible. I think I just take it one step further. I think I have an instinct to need to be desired. And I really think it's insane. I have this burning desire to have men want me.

On a lighter note. I don't know if you've ever watched it... but there's this show called Arrested Development, and I'd thoroughly recommend it to you. I'm sure you'd find it so funny! I know I do! The situations are just so fucking bizarre. The first two seasons are on Hulu for free.

Alright, well I'm talking to Nick and then going to bed because I'm so tired right now...!

Love,

Me

Hang on to your hopes, my friend...

Dear Elizabeth,

Hope Belgium is treating you well. I just got in for the night a little while ago, and it's around four thirty in the morning. I'm going to type until I feel as though I'd fall asleep at the keyboard.

Tonight, I saw Joe Dooling for the first time out of school... and not at Acme. It was interesting, to say the least. He took me to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I'm sure it was a great movie, but I wouldn't really know, for reasons I'm sure you can guess. After that, we went driving around looking for that place called Kid's Castle that everyone goes to. We couldn't find it, so we settled for the prospect of star gazing. I don't know if you know this, but it snowed a bit tonight. We drove right by your house, actually... and walked up to the field behind Tennent... and laid under blankets... and did things. Mostly kissing... and lots of talking. Lots of talking. He's actually a great person to talk to. He wants to know everything about everything. Something I admire. It became cold, and I needed to relieve myself of urine. So we stopped at my house to use the toilet, then drove a bit... only to sit parking around the corner of my house.

Things happened... things I'm not sure that I'm proud of. No, there was no sex. But things. I don't know if I like him... It's hard. Although, I must admit, he's not that goofball kid that I used to hang out with on the pool deck. He's different.

This all happened because once again RFA blew me off. I'm done with him. I'm not making any effort. Ever. Again.

Mostly, because of last night. We were supposed to smoke marijuana together because he's been bugging me to do it with him for like ever. So I get to his house... and his stupid friend Ryan is over. Greaaaaaaaaaaaat. Awesome. I wanted to smoke pot with you and your stupid friends. Epic. So we did it, and I hated it. I drove home stoned because they wanted to go hang out with Mike Planinshek (or however you spell it) and I really haven't completely lowered my standards. Not that low anyway. Yeah, so he apologized this morning for last night being awful, which it was.

I think I've exhausted myself. Go me. I promise to write more in the morning!

Love,

Me