Dear Elizabeth,
I just really haven't had time. God I'm a shitty person.
So much else has happened, but San Francisco is still on my mind.
As I sit here typing, listening to music, I feel as though I'm playing a piano... and my thoughts are the music in my ears. It's the loveliest feeling in the world.
I feel as though I've got graceful, dainty fingers... tapping away on what would be ivory keys. Keystrokes breaking up the lyrics of the songs I can hear. But the ivory keys are letters, and the musical notes are words. The world is so lovely when I feel this way. What if thoughts were like songs... and every thought was a beautiful melody? What if instead of words we spoke in song?
I am not high. Just thoughtful tonight...
So, the third day of my trip was the day we spent at Haight and Ashbury... the Hippie District! It was so much fun. I felt like I walked through a time warp and landed in the Summer of Love in 1969. I loved it there... we met a shop owner who left Doyelstown in 1988 and drove all the way to San Francisco and never turned back. I want to be like him. I want to just leave... sigh.
We ate brunch in the most colorful place I've ever been. I'm telling you... I never felt as alive as I did when I was in California. I was able to breathe easier... I was able to walk through city streets singing every song I knew in my head. I felt so lovely. There is only that one word... again, and again, and again. Lovely.
So after spending three hours in the Haight District, Devon and I went back to the hotel to wait for Jason's parents to come pick us up to take us to Petaluma! It was so cool meeting them! They really are wonderful people. So we got to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge!!!! It was the coolest ever! We stopped at this vista lookout point across the bridge and took like a million photos. We could see the skyline of San Francisco and Alcatraz from where we were! After the bridge it was through the loveliest place ever... Napa Valley, and to Petaluma where the show was at!
They took us to dinner at the most adorable little Italian restaurant ever. We talked to them all night. But they did pray before dinner... kinda weird. Anyway... after dinner we went to this place called Peet's Coffee. Let's just say it make Starbucks look like a whore. Hmmm... so then the show. I fucking love California and everything about it. The show was great! I love Christian music apparently because all of the bands were majorly awesome! Jason was weird and awkward during the show, and I know it was because I was getting weird and sad towards the end. I did love being one of the few people in the audience that knew all of the words to his songs!!! And we got a shout out for traveling the furthest to the show!! Woohoo! We didn't interact much during the show because his parents are like crazy religious or something... boo.
The show ended. My world fell apart. Literally... my life was in shambles for a full 24 hours. He hugged me goodbye because he was heading back with the band... and I began to cry. I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I just cried all night... I finally knew what heartbreak felt like. It felt like someone stabbed me directly in the chest and ripped out my lungs and my heart. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think... about anything but the pain. I cried in the morning. I cried on the way to the plane... I cried as the plane took off... I just cried a lot. I didn't stop crying until we were in the Philly airport. I'm crying now... that's all I can write now. I promise to right more later!
Love,
Me
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Long Awaited, San Francisco Part Two
Dear Elizabeth,
So sorry this took so long, I've been so busy... I know that's a shitty excuse, but I can't believe how much work I have this semester. Maybe I shouldn't have involved myself in so many other things. But there's nothing I can really do about any of that now.
Okay, so back to California... I believe we were up to the Cash Cab scenario. Anyway, so cuddling lead to other things... Other things being sex. Not just sex though, Elizabeth, I have never made love the way I made love with Jason. He held me and kissed me and touched me in ways no man ever has before... (and since I've been home, and had sex with three other guys... the sex is awful.) I'm pretty positive that he's the real deal.
After it was over he just held me really close... and we laid there until we fell asleep. Then something really really weird happened. At around three in the morning these people came trying to get into our hotel room. I told you before it was a weird place.... So Jason answered the door because I was laying there scared out of my mind. Anyway, they were just drunk and thought they were at their own room...
We were awake... so why not make love again. Yes, again.... and it was even more amazing the second time. We just work so well together. Every moment was so synchronized and full of pure passion. I literally don't know how I was capable of such things, I never thought I could be. I really honestly believed that I could not make love... I thought sex was just about an orgasm. Turns out, it's not.... it's so much more than that.
After that we fell back to sleep... well he did... I just laid there in his arms... smiling with tears running down my cheeks. I have never loved someone as much as I loved Jason Barnes in that moment.
The next morning he left early to go hang out with his band mates so that they could practice for the show the next night. I was sad to see him go, but he did give me a nice hug and kiss goodbye, which I enjoyed!
So that day Devon and I explored all of San Francisco. We walked all over Chinatown and got excellent Chinese food... we went into a lot of weird little stores. And we got rode in TROLLEY CARS!! It was so much fun! I really wish I could find the cable that connects my camera to my laptop so I could freaking upload the photos we took. After Chinatown we took the cable car to the most crooked street in the world. Look it up... it's really cool. After taking like 99 photos at the top of the steepest street I've ever walked up, and also in front of the crooked street... we went back down to the pier.
It's literally the loveliest place I've ever been. I want to be there every night. We saw these amazing street performers from England doing all sorts of gymnastics, it was very very cool. Then we went to In and Out Burger (apparently it's really famous over on the west coast. Well, rightfully so, I hate fast food usually, but I loved their fries so much!
Okay.... time for class... part three coming soon. Quicker than part two came! I promise!
Love,
Me
So sorry this took so long, I've been so busy... I know that's a shitty excuse, but I can't believe how much work I have this semester. Maybe I shouldn't have involved myself in so many other things. But there's nothing I can really do about any of that now.
Okay, so back to California... I believe we were up to the Cash Cab scenario. Anyway, so cuddling lead to other things... Other things being sex. Not just sex though, Elizabeth, I have never made love the way I made love with Jason. He held me and kissed me and touched me in ways no man ever has before... (and since I've been home, and had sex with three other guys... the sex is awful.) I'm pretty positive that he's the real deal.
After it was over he just held me really close... and we laid there until we fell asleep. Then something really really weird happened. At around three in the morning these people came trying to get into our hotel room. I told you before it was a weird place.... So Jason answered the door because I was laying there scared out of my mind. Anyway, they were just drunk and thought they were at their own room...
We were awake... so why not make love again. Yes, again.... and it was even more amazing the second time. We just work so well together. Every moment was so synchronized and full of pure passion. I literally don't know how I was capable of such things, I never thought I could be. I really honestly believed that I could not make love... I thought sex was just about an orgasm. Turns out, it's not.... it's so much more than that.
After that we fell back to sleep... well he did... I just laid there in his arms... smiling with tears running down my cheeks. I have never loved someone as much as I loved Jason Barnes in that moment.
The next morning he left early to go hang out with his band mates so that they could practice for the show the next night. I was sad to see him go, but he did give me a nice hug and kiss goodbye, which I enjoyed!
So that day Devon and I explored all of San Francisco. We walked all over Chinatown and got excellent Chinese food... we went into a lot of weird little stores. And we got rode in TROLLEY CARS!! It was so much fun! I really wish I could find the cable that connects my camera to my laptop so I could freaking upload the photos we took. After Chinatown we took the cable car to the most crooked street in the world. Look it up... it's really cool. After taking like 99 photos at the top of the steepest street I've ever walked up, and also in front of the crooked street... we went back down to the pier.
It's literally the loveliest place I've ever been. I want to be there every night. We saw these amazing street performers from England doing all sorts of gymnastics, it was very very cool. Then we went to In and Out Burger (apparently it's really famous over on the west coast. Well, rightfully so, I hate fast food usually, but I loved their fries so much!
Okay.... time for class... part three coming soon. Quicker than part two came! I promise!
Love,
Me
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
San Francisco and further reflection on further things.
Dear Elizabeth,
I feel like I can finally write about San Francisco. I feel like it has finally set in. What I did. What I felt. What I saw.... and then how I feel now. So here it goes, sorry it's so long over due.
When I first met him at the airport there were no instant sparks, tears, kisses, nothing... just an infinite hug. It was probably only half a minute, but it was forever to me. Primarily because I had been waiting for forever. The car ride was so like us. Arguing about how both of us listen to "the worse music ever." It was as if we had always done that... taken rides in the car and talked about music. The only difference was that I was completely taken aback by the sights of my new city.
Five minutes into my trip, I knew that I had found my place.
We spent the day with Jason. He kissed me when we got out of the car and into the hotel lobby. (This hotel was the weirdest place in the world. Seriously. I think we were the only people staying there who weren't strippers, hookers, or transgender. Not bad for getting high and stumbling in at random hours... read further for that.) Anyway. We were starving and decided to look for somewhere to eat. Somehow Jason's hand found mine and rarely left it that day. I seriously found no more pleasure in the entire universe than walking hand in hand with him around San Francisco. (He kept sneaking in kisses behind Devon's back... which made me melt.)
Somehow we ended up having lunch in California Pizza Kitchen, which I believe we have at home. But anyway.... Devon got up to use the ladies' room at some point. And I remember the scenario perfectly. Here it goes:
(Devon leaves the table)
Jason: I love the flower in your hair. It's perfect. Is this the outfit you've been playing to wear?
Me: (blushes, smiles) Yes, it is.
Jason: (smiles back) I love it.
Me: (smiles like for five minutes)
Jason: I want you to know that everyone is staring at us.
Me: I don't care.
Jason: I don't either. I just wanted you to know... and I'm glad there's no screen separating us. I love those big brown eyes, you're even prettier in person.
Me: (starts crying)
Jason: I knew that was going to happen.
Then Devon came back. It was really really cheesy, but I loved it. After lunch we walked about two miles to get to this pier. It was simple amazing. I love being by the water... and this place was so nice. Nicer than anything the East Coast could ever come up with. There was tons of flirting, loads of hand holding. I don't think I ever felt so beautiful in my entire life. There is no other emotion to describe it... just beautiful. Not happy... just complete. We just spent the whole fucking afternoon smiling at each other. Just looking at each other and smiling. I could not believe in that moment that I was me.... living my life... I could not fathom at that moment how beautifully life felt. I think I still sort of can't believe that it was real. Right now, in this moment... sitting in Center City Philadelphia I'm starting to become convinced that I was someone else. Living someone else's life. Kissing someone I hadn't known I was meant to kiss. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem fair. Fair, in the sense that not everyone will get to experience it. Why me? What did I do so right to be entitled to even one day of pure pleasure like that. Surely something wonderful. There's this pier that looks off into the water and where the sea lions sleep all day. We went there... and he really kissed me.
Hands behind my ears, and in my hair.
Eyes closed.
Passion.
I can die now. I will have lived a complete life if i die tonight.
We decided to take a cab back home because it was getting dark, and none of us were really interested in walking uphill for two miles. We all changed into comfy clothes, and I went into Jason's room to talk to him. We ended up snuggling, and kissing, and laughing with each other while cuddling like crazy. He just sat there holding me and we watched Cash Cab.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!! (I have class now!)
Love,
Me
I feel like I can finally write about San Francisco. I feel like it has finally set in. What I did. What I felt. What I saw.... and then how I feel now. So here it goes, sorry it's so long over due.
When I first met him at the airport there were no instant sparks, tears, kisses, nothing... just an infinite hug. It was probably only half a minute, but it was forever to me. Primarily because I had been waiting for forever. The car ride was so like us. Arguing about how both of us listen to "the worse music ever." It was as if we had always done that... taken rides in the car and talked about music. The only difference was that I was completely taken aback by the sights of my new city.
Five minutes into my trip, I knew that I had found my place.
We spent the day with Jason. He kissed me when we got out of the car and into the hotel lobby. (This hotel was the weirdest place in the world. Seriously. I think we were the only people staying there who weren't strippers, hookers, or transgender. Not bad for getting high and stumbling in at random hours... read further for that.) Anyway. We were starving and decided to look for somewhere to eat. Somehow Jason's hand found mine and rarely left it that day. I seriously found no more pleasure in the entire universe than walking hand in hand with him around San Francisco. (He kept sneaking in kisses behind Devon's back... which made me melt.)
Somehow we ended up having lunch in California Pizza Kitchen, which I believe we have at home. But anyway.... Devon got up to use the ladies' room at some point. And I remember the scenario perfectly. Here it goes:
(Devon leaves the table)
Jason: I love the flower in your hair. It's perfect. Is this the outfit you've been playing to wear?
Me: (blushes, smiles) Yes, it is.
Jason: (smiles back) I love it.
Me: (smiles like for five minutes)
Jason: I want you to know that everyone is staring at us.
Me: I don't care.
Jason: I don't either. I just wanted you to know... and I'm glad there's no screen separating us. I love those big brown eyes, you're even prettier in person.
Me: (starts crying)
Jason: I knew that was going to happen.
Then Devon came back. It was really really cheesy, but I loved it. After lunch we walked about two miles to get to this pier. It was simple amazing. I love being by the water... and this place was so nice. Nicer than anything the East Coast could ever come up with. There was tons of flirting, loads of hand holding. I don't think I ever felt so beautiful in my entire life. There is no other emotion to describe it... just beautiful. Not happy... just complete. We just spent the whole fucking afternoon smiling at each other. Just looking at each other and smiling. I could not believe in that moment that I was me.... living my life... I could not fathom at that moment how beautifully life felt. I think I still sort of can't believe that it was real. Right now, in this moment... sitting in Center City Philadelphia I'm starting to become convinced that I was someone else. Living someone else's life. Kissing someone I hadn't known I was meant to kiss. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem fair. Fair, in the sense that not everyone will get to experience it. Why me? What did I do so right to be entitled to even one day of pure pleasure like that. Surely something wonderful. There's this pier that looks off into the water and where the sea lions sleep all day. We went there... and he really kissed me.
Hands behind my ears, and in my hair.
Eyes closed.
Passion.
I can die now. I will have lived a complete life if i die tonight.
We decided to take a cab back home because it was getting dark, and none of us were really interested in walking uphill for two miles. We all changed into comfy clothes, and I went into Jason's room to talk to him. We ended up snuggling, and kissing, and laughing with each other while cuddling like crazy. He just sat there holding me and we watched Cash Cab.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!! (I have class now!)
Love,
Me
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Some day child.... things are gonna get easier.
Dear Elizabeth,
Heard this one on 98.1 on my drive home tonight. I was stoned. It was late. So inevitably I started sobbing like a small child on my ride home. Tonight was one of those nights... yeah. Definitely one of those nights.
Texted with the fuck buddy a bit, nothing came of it.... so I just made other plans. Hung out with my brother's friend Nick who is kind of somewhat of a person I do some things with. He says, "We're not fuck buddies... we're fucking friends... that just means we're friends, that fuck."
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So yeah, after that went to go hang out with RFA. Got high. Ryan Shuler showed up and wanted to do acid. Brilliant. I drove home, stoned, once again.
We did have a tender moment. We were sitting in the car alone... and he took my hand for a moment. And of course... I instantly forgave all of the douche bag stuff that has been going on for a while now. I just know the person he can be and I keep thinking that this side of him is one day going to stick around. I think it's time to wake up. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck makes me like him so much.... There really is nothing special about him. Actually, there are very few, if any, completely redeeming qualities about him, in the slightest. Hmmm. I really need to sort out my priorities. When he's not near me I fucking hate him... but when it's just me and him... at any and all hours of the night... he is amazing to me. FUCK MY LIFE.
Well, you're home from Belgium! Yay! Hope you had a wonderful trip, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Although, it might have to happen when I'm home from California! I start school soon and I really really really can't wait! I'm actually looking forward to a new semester, maybe that's what I need right now... some new beginnings, and new fresh starts!
Love, Me
Heard this one on 98.1 on my drive home tonight. I was stoned. It was late. So inevitably I started sobbing like a small child on my ride home. Tonight was one of those nights... yeah. Definitely one of those nights.
Texted with the fuck buddy a bit, nothing came of it.... so I just made other plans. Hung out with my brother's friend Nick who is kind of somewhat of a person I do some things with. He says, "We're not fuck buddies... we're fucking friends... that just means we're friends, that fuck."
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So yeah, after that went to go hang out with RFA. Got high. Ryan Shuler showed up and wanted to do acid. Brilliant. I drove home, stoned, once again.
We did have a tender moment. We were sitting in the car alone... and he took my hand for a moment. And of course... I instantly forgave all of the douche bag stuff that has been going on for a while now. I just know the person he can be and I keep thinking that this side of him is one day going to stick around. I think it's time to wake up. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck makes me like him so much.... There really is nothing special about him. Actually, there are very few, if any, completely redeeming qualities about him, in the slightest. Hmmm. I really need to sort out my priorities. When he's not near me I fucking hate him... but when it's just me and him... at any and all hours of the night... he is amazing to me. FUCK MY LIFE.
Well, you're home from Belgium! Yay! Hope you had a wonderful trip, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Although, it might have to happen when I'm home from California! I start school soon and I really really really can't wait! I'm actually looking forward to a new semester, maybe that's what I need right now... some new beginnings, and new fresh starts!
Love, Me
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It's a still life watercolor....
Dear Elizabeth,
The emotions running through me right now are too disturbing to even post. It's times like this I wish they'd lock me away.
I'd give anything to just make the pain stop.
Hope you're enjoying your last days in Belgium!
Love,
Me
The emotions running through me right now are too disturbing to even post. It's times like this I wish they'd lock me away.
I'd give anything to just make the pain stop.
Hope you're enjoying your last days in Belgium!
Love,
Me
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Get busy living, or get busy dying...
Dear Elizabeth,
I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption... soon I'll put on Hook. Both are two of my favorite movies. These facts, are irrelevant, and not related to anything I'll write in this entry. Just wanted to clarify that I do indeed, have normal emotions and reactions to the world. Despite my recent slide into the world of disconnect of emotions regarding myself and the opposite sex.
Maybe that's just it. It's a disconnect. A disconnect between the way I feel, and the way I ought to feel. Part of me enjoys this.... the games, the chase, and eventually, the pain. I think that makes me a sadist. Whatever. I'm not too worried about it. There are worse things I could be. I could be a murderer, a thief, a rapist, or a manipulative bitch. Or maybe it's bad enough that I have little no self confidence and need to constantly be reassured by the number of men I've been with in the immediate past. Who knows? And who can really say what is the worst thing someone could? Isn't life relative. Aren't we all free to make judgments, and rule ourselves on which things are most immoral, and which things are lesser offenses. There is no Golden Rule for such things. There probably is no true standard. Other than murder, in most cases.
So, I leave for California on Thursday, and sometimes when I think about it my heart races. I'm wondering whether it's because I'm worried that it won't be everything I'm thinking it will be, or if I'm worried that it will be precisely everything I'm thinking it will be. I did read the weather report for my trip (I do get all the news I need from the weather report) and I'm looking forward to temperatures that are a bit warmer!
I went to dinner with my roommate/ sister tonight and she definitely left my phone number on the receipt for the waiter. I hate that. It's so not my style. And why do people feed into my addiction to be wanted? Shouldn't people be telling me to avoid any and all contact with the opposite sex? I mean, is that what a real friend would do? If a friend of yours happened to be addicted to crack, you wouldn't let them know the best places to buy it, would you? Hmm.
Well, my brother leaves for Boston tomorrow, early in the morning. I'm going to get to bed so I can be up early to see him off!
Love,
Me
I'm watching The Shawshank Redemption... soon I'll put on Hook. Both are two of my favorite movies. These facts, are irrelevant, and not related to anything I'll write in this entry. Just wanted to clarify that I do indeed, have normal emotions and reactions to the world. Despite my recent slide into the world of disconnect of emotions regarding myself and the opposite sex.
Maybe that's just it. It's a disconnect. A disconnect between the way I feel, and the way I ought to feel. Part of me enjoys this.... the games, the chase, and eventually, the pain. I think that makes me a sadist. Whatever. I'm not too worried about it. There are worse things I could be. I could be a murderer, a thief, a rapist, or a manipulative bitch. Or maybe it's bad enough that I have little no self confidence and need to constantly be reassured by the number of men I've been with in the immediate past. Who knows? And who can really say what is the worst thing someone could? Isn't life relative. Aren't we all free to make judgments, and rule ourselves on which things are most immoral, and which things are lesser offenses. There is no Golden Rule for such things. There probably is no true standard. Other than murder, in most cases.
So, I leave for California on Thursday, and sometimes when I think about it my heart races. I'm wondering whether it's because I'm worried that it won't be everything I'm thinking it will be, or if I'm worried that it will be precisely everything I'm thinking it will be. I did read the weather report for my trip (I do get all the news I need from the weather report) and I'm looking forward to temperatures that are a bit warmer!
I went to dinner with my roommate/ sister tonight and she definitely left my phone number on the receipt for the waiter. I hate that. It's so not my style. And why do people feed into my addiction to be wanted? Shouldn't people be telling me to avoid any and all contact with the opposite sex? I mean, is that what a real friend would do? If a friend of yours happened to be addicted to crack, you wouldn't let them know the best places to buy it, would you? Hmm.
Well, my brother leaves for Boston tomorrow, early in the morning. I'm going to get to bed so I can be up early to see him off!
Love,
Me
Friday, January 8, 2010
In the clearing stands a boxer...
Dear Elizabeth,
I'm so glad we got to talk earlier, and I am so thrilled you're enjoying your time in Europe, but I really can't wait to see you!
Anyway. He didn't call. He said he would, I'm getting used to this type of thing. He was so nice... and here's the part of the story where I regret nearly everything I said/ did last night... and then if he calls later I'll be all about him again.
Right. I'm excited for California though. I'm in the middle of Skyping with Jason. He's nice. I like that he's far away. He can't hurt me from all the way out there.
I think I'm done with Craig's List. Like done with meeting people on it. Nothing good could ever possibly come of it. It's totally and completely impossible.
I'm also done with RFA, I said that in my last entry, but I had to say it again... so that I remember. Nick is coming home soon, and I really haven't been happier about seeing anyone in a long long time! I mean other than the soon approaching trip to the Bay. =]
I think you're right about our instinct to desire companionship. I think that's totally plausible. I think I just take it one step further. I think I have an instinct to need to be desired. And I really think it's insane. I have this burning desire to have men want me.
On a lighter note. I don't know if you've ever watched it... but there's this show called Arrested Development, and I'd thoroughly recommend it to you. I'm sure you'd find it so funny! I know I do! The situations are just so fucking bizarre. The first two seasons are on Hulu for free.
Alright, well I'm talking to Nick and then going to bed because I'm so tired right now...!
Love,
Me
I'm so glad we got to talk earlier, and I am so thrilled you're enjoying your time in Europe, but I really can't wait to see you!
Anyway. He didn't call. He said he would, I'm getting used to this type of thing. He was so nice... and here's the part of the story where I regret nearly everything I said/ did last night... and then if he calls later I'll be all about him again.
Right. I'm excited for California though. I'm in the middle of Skyping with Jason. He's nice. I like that he's far away. He can't hurt me from all the way out there.
I think I'm done with Craig's List. Like done with meeting people on it. Nothing good could ever possibly come of it. It's totally and completely impossible.
I'm also done with RFA, I said that in my last entry, but I had to say it again... so that I remember. Nick is coming home soon, and I really haven't been happier about seeing anyone in a long long time! I mean other than the soon approaching trip to the Bay. =]
I think you're right about our instinct to desire companionship. I think that's totally plausible. I think I just take it one step further. I think I have an instinct to need to be desired. And I really think it's insane. I have this burning desire to have men want me.
On a lighter note. I don't know if you've ever watched it... but there's this show called Arrested Development, and I'd thoroughly recommend it to you. I'm sure you'd find it so funny! I know I do! The situations are just so fucking bizarre. The first two seasons are on Hulu for free.
Alright, well I'm talking to Nick and then going to bed because I'm so tired right now...!
Love,
Me
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